My way or.. my child’s way? How about both ways?

My eight-year-old is a terrific swimmer. But that comes with its share of expectations - well-wishers encourage her to compete, win medals and practice more. It is natural: If you’re so good at something, strive to be the best at it. While my daughter is a talented swimmer and loves swimming, she was constantly fighting it becoming her identity. I would see her squirm when she was introduced as a swimmer. She started to fuss before swimming lessons.  The competition had always been irrelevant for me. I wanted her to pursue a sport, have physical activity in her schedule, and imbibe discipline. At the peak of swim season, I asked her if she wanted to take a break. Her nod was quick. 
“For how long?” I asked. Her choices were two weeks, four weeks or six weeks.
She replied, “Can I choose six weeks?” 
Six weeks was much longer than I had expected, and I swallowed hard before mustering, “Yes, of course.”

For six weeks, there was a constant susurrus of voices in my head. Everyone from the coach to family members to friends shared their opinions about the long break, 
“She will lose the skill.”
“Other kids will become faster than her.”
“She won’t return to swimming.”
It wasn’t easy, but I believe in trusting my children’s agency - the ability to make their decisions. And I wanted to honour this one, too. In those six weeks, she woke up at the same time as she did when she was going swimming. But, she would do other things she loves. She was happier doing her homework and other activities she would have generally whined about. She also supplemented swimming with other sports, such as karate and fell in love with gymnastics. In those six weeks, she felt empowered to make the most of her choice.

Six weeks later, without any prodding or prompting, she was back in the pool. With a big smile.

Rules and choices - both have the power to impact our children’s lives. Establishing a routine for young kids is vital. It gives them security, reduces anxiety, ensures adequate sleep, develops healthy habits, eliminates power struggles and teaches them cooperation, among other things. At the same time, making choices and decisions helps boost their confidence, helps them understand their role in the family and community and helps them gain a sense of identity. My daughter knows swimming a few times a week is mandatory for all the children in our house. But I am glad she understands that she has the choice to decide what she wants to do with it and can communicate this choice effectively.

The balance between rules and agency doesn’t come overnight. Children are making choices on the basis of a perspective, and allowing them to make small decisions continuously allows us to understand their perspective and share ours. In my experience, this constant communication becomes the basis of mutual trust in the parent-child relationship. It starts with letting the child believe they have choices and can make decisions independently. Studies show that parents can start providing occasions to make these choices as early as two years old. In our latest book, Rules/ No Rules for 2-5-year-olds, we help set the tone for these opportunities. The book helps children make choices within the scaffolding of their routine activities, such as brushing their teeth and meal times. The opportunities to make individual choices can then be extended to more meaningful settings, allowing you to share your expectations and desires. By the time your child is ready to make life-changing choices, such as choosing a college, a particular career, or a marriage partner, you both will hopefully move toward total understanding and alignment.

How can you use rules and agency to establish a solid parent-child relationship? Here are a few quick tips -

For children up to 3 years old

• ask their permission to check their diapers or to pick them up
• ask them if they want to shake hands with a stranger
• give them time to do things by themselves as opposed to doing them 
• explain to them how routines help them stay healthy
• let them make simple choices such as which song to sing together or what book to read at bedtime

For 3-5 year olds:

• offer choices in activities and allow them to pursue a few of their interest
• help them understand why a few activities are important to you
• guide them to come up with resolutions to their problems and conflicts
• explain to them the outcome of their choices without invalidating them

Do you have an example of how you balance rules and agency for your kids? Do you have any stories of where your child exercised their own agency and surprised you with their clarity? Do you have situations you would like to share where you are looking for guidance? Do write to me! I love hearing from you!

Much love,
Priyanka

Priyanka Agarwal Mehta

Priyanka is a mother to two vivacious girls and most of her books stem from the interactions she has with her daughters. Her books include subtle themes of empathy, problem solving and communication skills - capabilities that she considers key to a happy and successful life. She holds a BA from Northwestern University in the US and a MBA from University of Cambridge in the UK. She sits on the board of several educational institutions. She spends most of her time writing books and running an educational technology company.