3 min read Be your child's marble jar parent
Every child carries an invisible jar of trust. With every promise kept, every secret protected, and every moment of listening, parents add a marble. Slowly, quietly, trust between parent and child is built.
Be your child’s ‘Marble Jar Parent’
I heard a podcast a while ago, a dear friend had referred it to me. We instantly realised we were each other's marble jar friends. Marble jar friends are people who over time earn your trust, by doing simple small things that matter to you. Trust according to me is the single most important ingredient in a relationship, hence equally essential between a parent and a child. Parents at times assume that they are their child’s safe place, and wonder as time progresses why their child doesn't share his thoughts and problems with them. It's simple, because in the smaller moments when you could have won their trust, you let them down. You unconsciously shared their most embarrassing moment with others thinking it was cute, or didn't think their big secret was a big deal. It's those moments that present us the opportunity to earn their trust, we disappoint them by our actions and reactions. Losing the chance to ever enjoy it.
Here are 5 things to be mindful of when raising a child so that you can be their marble jar parent.
Stick to your promises
Children respect you if you stick to your promises. They trust you because they learn to believe that your commitment and your word have value. If you say one thing and do another, it is very confusing for them, hence they look toward a person who does what they say they would.
Believe you will always be there
Children need to believe you will always be there, no matter what. Your availability and presence is not dependent on your mood or the situation, but on the unconditional belief/trust that in every situation, I can call on my parents and they will turn up. It doesn't mean physically rushing to a spot at every call, but the guarantee that you will understand, take charge, help control a situation and really be their safe place.
Being honest and vulnerable
Do you have it in you to say ‘I don't know the answer to this problem’ or show your fears to your child. Being honest about who you are, your needs and your challenges can be a winner. It takes courage to expose your weaknesses. It takes courage to ask for what you need. It takes courage to actually practice what you are asking your child to do. And if you do this, then yes, your child will know the real you, and we can all trust a real person, can’t we?
Sorry, I got it wrong
Can you apologize if you are the one at fault and accept that you made an error in your judgment? If you can, you will surely win their trust. Because, we don't trust the strongest person with our vulnerabilities, we trust someone we believe can have flaws too, and they are not scared to own up when they make mistakes. We trust people who learn from their mistakes and not those who just make an empty apology and continue to slip on the same slope.
Can you be trusted?
Aah! The big question. Can you? Momma, if I tell you a secret, can you hold on to it? Or do you share it with your spouse instantly? Or as a father, do you call their secret dumb or silly? We are all presented with a chance to build trust by how safely we protect the other person's secret, silly or not, important or not, that is not for us to judge. For you to build a bond of trust with your child, you will need to realize that conversation is very important to them. Can you be a safe place for it?
You’ll be presented with multiple opportunities to build your relationship with your child, alongside the multiple opportunities to miss the chance altogether. You will need to keep your phone down and listen, even if the story is about a lost pencil. You will have to come back from the door and sit down, when they tell you they are in pain from the recent rejection. You will need to listen without judgment or reaction, when they confess to having stolen money from your wallet.
You just have to, this shouldn't be a choice. Every child deserves a marble jar parent, and all it will take is valuing each of those beautiful moments.
Ruchira Darda
I am Ruchira Darda, a relationship coach, parenting expert, author, and entrepreneur with over 16 years of experience. Based in Mumbai, I work extensively in the areas of mindful living and emotional wellness. I am a TEDx speaker and focus on personality identification to help individuals and families build stronger, healthier relationships. I also lead and actively support initiatives such as the Lokmat MahaMarathon.
