Building a Village When You Don't Have Family Nearby

The phrase 'it takes a village' used to describe something real - an actual network of people who knew your child, watched out for them, shared the labour of raising them. Grandparents nearby. Neighbours who were also cousins. A mohalla where doors were open and children moved between households.

That village, for the majority of urban Indian parents today, is gone. The grandparents are 800 kilometres away. The neighbours are strangers behind closed doors. The mohalla has been replaced by a gated apartment complex where you don't know the name of the family on your floor.

The village has to be rebuilt now. Deliberately, awkwardly, imperfectly. Here is how.

Principle 1: The Village Has to Be Built, Not Found

Waiting to 'find' community is the reason most urban Indian parents remain without it. Community is not found - it is created through repeated, low-stakes contact that accumulates into relationship over time. The first conversation with the parent at the school gate leads, over weeks and months, to the friendship that leads to the reciprocal school pickup arrangement that leads to the person you call when you need help.

None of this happens without someone initiating. In apartment-culture urban India, that someone usually has to be you.

5 Practical Ways to Build a Village in Urban India

1. Start with proximity - the people already near you

Your building, your street, your child's school. Before searching for community in apps or groups, the most reliable village comes from people who share your geography. A parent in your building has an overlapping daily rhythm, built-in accountability through proximity, and the easiest logistics for practical support. Knock on the door. It is almost never as awkward as anticipated.

2. Create a recurring event and invite people to it

Community requires structure to form. A monthly potluck at your home, a weekly park morning, a weekend game night with two families - any recurring event that happens on a schedule and doesn't require individual planning every time. The regularity is what builds the relationship. One-off socialising doesn't create community; recurring contact does.

3. Ask for something small and specific

Most people want to help and don't know how. Giving someone a specific, manageable request is a gift to them, not an imposition. 'Could you take the kids for 45 minutes on Saturday while I finish something?' is an easier request for most people to say yes to than a vague 'I could use some support'. The specific ask also creates reciprocity - they will ask you for something equivalent, and the exchange is the relationship.

4. Use existing community structures that already exist

• Your child's school parent networks - join, attend, participate beyond WhatsApp
• Local playgroups (search Facebook groups for your city + 'mothers group' or 'parents playgroup')
• Building or housing society communities - especially RWA (Resident Welfare Association) events
• Hobby groups where children participate - dance, art, sport - the parents waiting outside become regulars
• Community of Practice around shared parenting values - look for Montessori parent groups, reading circles, parenting workshops

5. Let the relationship grow imperfectly

The expectation of the deep, unconditional friendship of a previous era prevents many urban parents from accepting the more limited but genuinely valuable relationships that are actually available. A parent who takes your child occasionally and whose company you enjoy once a month is not a best friend - and doesn't need to be. Smaller connections, accumulated, provide more support than waiting for the perfect village that will not come.

The first conversation is always the hardest one. After that, it gets easier. Most parents in urban India are waiting for someone else to initiate - meaning the person who goes first gets a disproportionate return.

How did you find your parenting community - or are you still looking? Tell us.